I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
