who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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