I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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