you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
