i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
