Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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