for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
