I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I did not marry a roomba.
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