I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He felt like a one man threesome
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
