i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
