in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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