He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize