sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
