sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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