I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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