Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
