I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
