I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
