; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
