So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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