I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
