hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
