i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
