you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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