You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
