I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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