mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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