i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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