Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
