So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
