Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
