Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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