if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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