Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
