i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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