So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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