dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
