Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
