Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
