if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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