I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
