even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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