i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
