and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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