You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
