can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
