you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
