i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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