when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
