Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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