I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
