I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
