You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Houston, we have a squirter
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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