I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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